The orange glow of the parking lot lights played with the streaks left behind by his windshield wipers. And so Paul leaned in closer to the windshield and rested his chin on his steering wheel, squinting his eyes to block out everything but the lights beyond the glass. As a result, the lights turned into tiny north stars of Bethlehem that floated in suspension above the trees.
He
laughed and rubbed his eyes, leaning back to let the lights and the trees outside
of Building D in the apartment complex all come back into focus.
He
was exhausted. Of that much he was
certain. But how he'd arrived here,
sitting with his car shifted into park and staring at some lone window in an
apartment complex he'd never been to before, he couldn't quite figure and could
in no way contribute to any kind of exhaustion.
This was simply the end of a timeline
that had placed him there, naturally and not as a result of any conscious decisions
he'd made. After all, Paul
thought, animals that hunt are instinctively drawn to their prey. And in the silence of his car there he began
to wonder what exactly goes through an animal's mind at the moment that they
find themselves gone suddenly from their resting position to being quite
literally on top of some prey.
He
wondered if in the time between the animal's triggered instinct and the inevitable
end result, which always left the animal panting and with a bloodied mouth, if
there was any real memory of the hunt itself at all?
Or
was it comparable to something like a blackout, Paul thought, similar to the
way in which humans enter a room and then not remember why they'd gone in there
in the first place? He began to
think of their family cat, who was far away in another neighborhood across town,
and of how the cat locks onto birds fluttering outside of his living room window
before jumping and leaving scratches in his lap as the animal stops to stand frozen
in the window like a work of taxidermy.
He wondered if, as with
those birds, was it possible that the slightest of movements could trigger the
lunge of any natural predator?
Paul
found his way back out from the wilderness of his thoughts, back to his immediate
surroundings, there inside of his car in that strange parking lot as he stared
up at Building D.
His
last clear memory was of being at his local drug store about thirty-five
minutes ago, standing in line two places behind the man that would trigger this
strange hunt. All at once,
scattered memories began to connect like links on a chain, and he recalled now how
he had taken the hard turns in this unfamiliar neighborhood, how he'd memorized
every street sign. He remembered
how he'd kept a safe distance behind the car as not to spoil his reveal.
But
like now, he also remembered asking himself what in the hell he was doing, if
what he wanted to do was just to make this person aware that he was being
followed. Yes, he had wanted to
teach this man that sometimes bad behavior could trigger a response from a completely
uninvolved, total stranger. He
wanted to elicit fear, and this was precisely why he had yet to shift his car out
of park, why he hadn't even considered leaving the parking lot in favor of
keeping an eye on the movements up in that third-floor window.
The
shadow of the man moved back and forth up there, and Paul could only figure
that the man was placing down the Coronas that he purchased at the drug store,
the same Coronas that he watched this man carry up those three flights of steps
to the balcony near his front door.
Paul
leaned forward again in the driver's seat, and he began to imagine what possible
furniture configurations existed up there, what obstacles might be in his path
once he decided to enter that apartment to do whatever it was he was that his
instinct had led him there to do next.
And
there was that word again: instinct. He leaned back, and again he thought of
the animal in the midst of its hunt, wondering if in the throws of instinctive
behavior do animals even know that they're acting on instinct? It was all so very interesting to him what
it was he was obviously becoming, and he liked the idea that if anything were
to come of this sudden fit of stalking, it would be a better understanding of
the animal kingdom of which he tells his son often that they are both very much
a part.
Yes,
a first-hand, predatory experience would be the perfect topic of conversation
to have with his young son tonight. And he knew that the boy would be interested because at some
point the discussion would turn to talk of guns. The boy loved the feel of the weapon that Paul had purchased
and shown him, an extension of himself as he pulled the trigger and made the
empty cylinder turn and hammer to snap down on the empty chamber.
Paul
reminded himself again to always keep that cylinder empty, to make sure that
the bullets were removed from the gun and placed out of reach before his
ex-wife would arrive to deliver their son to him tonight.
And
he had so many other surprises for his boy tonight, such as the big bag of chocolates
and hard candies that he'd purchased from the drug store when it was his turn
in line, just moments before he would get back into his car and start driving far
out of his way to sit in this parking lot. He had planned to share the chocolate with his son, and then
use the individually wrapped hard candies as poker chips. He was going to teach his boy all about
the thrill of winning, even if it meant a small series of winning poker hands.
He
wanted to explain, however, how through violence one could remove an opponent altogether.
But
who was he to explain such a thing without ever having done it himself?
Because
instinct didn't require any skill, Paul concluded. Skill was not relevant in a situation like that. And he began to wonder again if the man
in the apartment upstairs knew that he was being watched.
But
what was he really doing there? How did he actually plan to end this
natural timeline without finishing it, if for no other reason than not to have
wasted all of this time and effort?
Did he remember even having a plan before taking that thirty-five minute
drive out of his way to follow this man to his home?
Well,
Paul thought, that man upstairs was a
bully. And in the end, all that
mattered was that he hated bullies.
The bully's behavior in the store tonight was all it took to do it to
himself, to place himself in such a dangerous position, like the last fatal movements
of an animal's prey.
Paul
had chosen this bully, and the only plan from here on out needed to be to bring
and end to this stalk, which would ultimately mean the end of this bully. And he was simply going to walk up
those steps and let himself inside of that apartment to do it. Once inside, he'd navigate his way around
that furniture to get at the bully quickly and not allow him the time to defend
himself.
And
one of those Corona bottles would do the trick, Paul thought, would be perfect
to break into a shard and shove deep into the bully's neck.
He
wondered what it was going to feel like at the moment that the bottle punctured
flesh.
And
Paul was going to do it without uttering a single word, with only the
satisfaction of being recognized as the anonymous man who was standing two persons
behind the bully at the checkout line.
Paul was the man that scoffed loudly when the bully had finished
demeaning the cashier, the one who caught the bully's attention and made him turn
around. Paul was the random person
with whom the bully had made eye contact, meant to intimidate, and it was Paul's
icy return stare that had come all too naturally.
But
then the bully had dismissed their exchange altogether, instead turning back to
the cashier and insisting that it was their credit card reader that was malfunctioning
and not his card. He explained
that he had gone in their every night this week and purchased the very same longnecks
with that very same credit card. And
he'd never been hassled like this before now.
The
cashier had then insisted again, albeit bashfully, that it was the credit card.
The
bully then pushed back, only this time, he'd called the cashier a name.
There,
Paul thought, that was the point where his instincts had been triggered. That was the fatal final movements of
his prey. The bully had decided
that the cashier's dignity was his to take, regardless of the fact that this
cashier no doubt had a timeline of his own, had a day of challenges and
frustrations and perhaps even the smallest of pleasures.
That
cashier didn't need to experience such pain tonight.
Still,
everyone looked on without getting involved.
"Let
me talk to your manager," the bully had said, and Paul noted that it
wasn't the manager but was rather your manager.
"I'll
get my manager," the cashier replied, "but don't disrespect me like
that."
"It's
you that's disrespecting me!" the bully returned.
A
random blue-collar worker, who had occupied the first place in line behind the
bully and who Paul would've thought shared in the frustration, instead turned
around to comment. "This
fucking kid better get his manager,"
he said to Paul. "Or else this
guy's gonna kick his ass!"
Well,
Paul had thought just then, … was he
now?
He
was back to Building D now. The
bully was right up there in Building D, and from what Paul remembered he was by
all standards a stereotype, a stocky man in his early forties in a tank top and
shorts and with a sun visor that sat the wrong way on his head. And the bully no doubt had a timeline
of his own, had a day of challenges and frustrations and perhaps even the
smallest of pleasures.
His
beer, for instance, was all that the bully wanted out of life tonight.
But
the bully was in for so much more!
Only
Paul was no longer even in the parking lot.
He'd
gone and done it again, had pounced elsewhere like the predator that he'd
become without his knowing. He was
already back home and in his driveway.
And again he tried to harness what little memory he could of his latest time
lapse, remembering now that he'd indeed run a few stop signs in his
neighborhood, and that at some point he'd reached over to the glove compartment
to make sure that the gun was still in there and loaded.
Paul
reached up and adjusted his rearview mirror there in his driveway, and he had a
timeline of his own, had a day of
challenges and frustrations and perhaps even the smallest of pleasures.
But
he wasn't quite sure why it was he was now sitting and waiting in his driveway,
why he was staring intently at the reflection of the curb in his rearview
mirror, or why he was now holding the gun with the hammer pulled back.
He
wasn't fully aware yet of what it was he was there to do next, but he knew that
at some point his ex-wife would arrive at that curb to deliver their son to him
tonight.